perfection

I was sitting in the conference room as I zoned out from the discussion of new policies and ideas that (quiet honestly) really had nothing to do with me. I was trying to keep my focus and at least act like I was paying attention. I wanted to pay attention, but the grumbling of my stomach kept interrupting. It was nearing 1:00 and I was famished. I thought about what I brought for lunch and I remembered that I had started over (again) on this whole diet thing. I am always starting over. No matter what I do- Weight Watchers, exercises, no carbs, no sugar- I never see the results everyone else does. And once I don't see results after a few weeks- I give in to the temptation of the Kettle cooked cracked pepper potato chips.
I was sitting in that meeting thinking about how much this all sucks. How I think about what I just ate, am about to eat or what I really want to eat, on a constant basis. But, this is what I have to do cause I am "over weight" and am sick of looking "fat."
As I was walking down the hill back to my office, a very special woman whom I have known for practically my whole life, asked me how this whole "diet" thing was going. (she knows me to well and knows I am always on some new plan) And she said some things that really hit me:

Our bodies are dying no matter what we do.
Your 21 and are always on some new "diet"... relax.
Enjoy life and eat if you want.

Now I have people tell me this before. My dad has tried to tell me to relax for years.

But then she asks me this question:

Who do you think about when you this?
You. All the time.

It hit me. I think about me all the time. I am distracted from my ministry, my friends, my family, my youth girls, because I am constantly battling myself and the expectations I put on myself.
How can I be a servant when I am putting myself first all the time?

I know this can't be resolved over night. I will probably still think about it for awhile. But (my favorite word) I have victory through my salvation and in my Savior. I don't have to fight any more. I can step back and breathe- knowing I don't have to focus on this. It doesn't have to consume me. I need to accept myself. God created everything in His image right? How dare I say that something the Lord created in His thoughts isn't perfect? Who am I to judge His creation?

Lets pray I stick to this plan....

unSPOKEN

"I was telling God that I wanted to do amazing things, things that have never been done before. Then He spoke to my heart and said that in order for that to happen I had to live a life that had never been lived before" Roshad Thomas (Youth Pastor, even now)

He said this my junior year of high school one night in youth. I have had it on my mirror for the past 5 years. I don't even think he remembers saying it- yet it changed my life. Words are a powerful thing when we let God speak.

Isolated

Loneliness is the greatest of demons. No matter what you do, what you have, where your at in life- there is no greater emptiness than the depression of being alone. What are our greatest fears? They all have the foundation of being left. I was listening to Rush Limbaugh the other morning, a woman called in, concerned for her husband. He had woken her up in the middle of the night, terrified cause if he was to lose his job he was afraid he would lose her. We are all afraid of being alone. No amount of money, no amount of materials or activities will ever conquer the need for others. The hardest cross to bear is to picture our lives with all those whom we love not to exist. God did not make man to be left alone. There has always been a fellowship. Before earth was created God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit were having a grand ole’ time all together- there has always been a relationship. If the cornerstone of all life is based off a relationship- no wonder we crave them.
Yet what happens when we are left alone? I know Jesus is my Friend, my Comforter, My Savior- but that doesn’t mean the loneliness disappears. That doesn’t mean that the feelings, desires and needs I have as human cease. So now what? I believe there is a purpose for everything and in everything- what is the purpose in this??

And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day. (Gen. 32:24)

I wrestle with myself. I have been brought here to be left to wrestle with a man, that man is me.

I will not let thee go, except thou bless me. (Gen 32:26)

Drive

“What drives you?”

It was the question that surrounded the weekend as the second annual CRosSWILD spring retreat took place. A few sets of brave parents and roughly 40 college-age leaders decided to embark on this adventure: taking nearly 200 youth kids to the beach for 3 days. For us leaders, I think I speak for all when I say our lives revolve around these youth groups. The whole weekend was focused on wanting our kids (cause yes, we love them as our own) to see Jesus come alive and too come to the realization that He needs to be your driving force. Our prayer was that, if anything, we wanted them to leave that weekend with a new sense of purpose. That the reason they get up in the morning was not to see their friends, or to go to school to make sure they got into the best colleges, or to try to be accepted according to the world. But the driving force, the thing that gave them a hope, peace and a future was their love and relationship with Jesus Christ. We wanted them to have the burning question: But what drives you?

Through out the weekend I was amazed of how much joy filled me as I looked around the room. One of the my favorite things to do sometimes when I am in a worship service, is just take a look around and listen. As I was scanning the room I saw hands lifted up in the air, voices singing to the Lord as they were praising Him. Students from 6th grade to people in their 20s were letting go of everything and realizing that Jesus needs to be Lord in their lives, and they were letting Him. That image and sounds will forever be in my mind. They were realizing and remembering that a radical change is needed. That the revolution needs to continue.

I realized how much of a miracle all of this is. Its not very common that you find 40 people in the mid 20’s who are completely sold out for Jesus, each other, their ministries and the purpose of what God has put in front of them. I realized how blessed I am that I have 2 brothers and a future sister that I love and get along with, who want to serve Jesus. I realized how blessed I am that I am surrounded by some of my best girlfriends that love each other and support each other no matter what. I realized how blessed I am that I can do what I love to do with my friends, with my family and with the knowledge that the Lord is using all of us to glorify His name. The strand of Jesus Christ that binds all of us together is stronger than any other and brings a trust and respect that you will find no where else. The all consuming fire that is burning in us is lit. We desire to see the generation ignite.

Drive us to You.
Let the Revolution continue.
Ignite our generation.