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Tuesday, December 22, 2009
As I continued to strive my way trough the mass I saw a break in the crowd. I had reached my Hope. I had finally come to what I knew I needed. But is it really what I want? After all when I am healed what will I be left with? No. The demon of my aching heart and empty house could be battled another day. For today I knew
As the words slipped out of my mouth and my hand went forward, my finger lightly brushed the fringe of His robe. I closed my eyes as I felt this peace that surpassed all understanding I had ever known.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Watching the video reminded me of my time there and how much I would love to go back- even if its for a short time. The memories came flooding back as I saw them shopping where I used to and walking the streets of Tel-Aviv.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Saturday was my families “day before.” We were all scattered over town. Watching football, attending the women's retreat. Studying for school or just relaxing and enjoying the beautiful saturday. Then sunday came.
No one ever wakes up in the morning knowing what the day will bring. We might have a plan in our calendars. Meetings might be scheduled and appointments might have been made. But ultimately- if something is thrown our way, we have to stop and change our minds and priorities. We must alter our lives. Yesterday was that day for my family.
As I was rushing to the emergency room after church, I kept thinking “I did not wake up expecting this.” But then again, does anyone? Does anyone wake up expecting their families roots to be shaken? Does anyone expect their uncle, brother, father, husband to be suddenly gone? As we sat in the waiting room, trying to comfort as the shock was still settling in, i just kept thinking “this is a dream.” I tried to put myself in everyone’s shoes: my mom lost her brother. My aunt lost her husband. My cousins lost their daddy. The thoughts flooded my heart as it broke.
Saturday was “the day before.” Today is the day after. Tomorrow is the next day. And Wednesday is going to come as well. Soon, I pray, we will not be thinking of the day before, but more of the tomorrow. Cause with every sunset there is a sunrise, and we will rise.
As I walk through heavens gates as the melodies fill my ears. I fall to my knees. The overwhelming peace take hold of my heart as I try and bow to You. My hands reach to You but it will never be as I cannot obtain who You are. Yet Your glory fills the heavens as I remain in awe of Your presence. I desire to praise Your name. "Holy Holy Holy. Is the Lord God Almighty. Who was and is and is to come."
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I feel that faith muscle being worked. Its sore and I need some aspirin. Yet I can feel it getting stronger. I know it is growing me and is taking me out of my bubble and having to fully trust the unknown. I have no control over how long this will last or how much it will hurt. But I do know that that the strain is less and the relaxation getting easier. Not because I see a solution, or an end to the means which this has all come to. But because my heart does not fret as much. My mind is calmer and the peace that does not make any sort of sense is now a comfort rather then an itch. I don't know why I worry or freak out. He has known what I need long before I have.
I want to see big things happen. I think big, I dream big and I want to see it all come to life. Yet when will it? Will it ever or do I live in a constant state of false reality?
"It is a positive crime to be weak in God's strength" Oswald Chambers
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
So often, me included, we catch ourselves being dead. There is nothing worse then going through the motions and not feeling anything. It amazes me how often we put the needs of humans above the call in which God has put on our lives: to glorify Him. As humans we are naturally selfish and think about ourselves. And as Christians we are taught to serve others and have our eyes on anyone but ourselves. But where is our ultimate focus? So often, we see a physical need that must be met, but are we really doing it to honor Him?
What is serving if it cost us nothing? What is giving if we gave up nothing? How ever much you sacrifice, shows how much it is worth. Jesus came to this earth to heal the sick, so that is where we ought to be found. He came and sacrificed all because He believed we were worth it. Yet how often do we sit in the seats of our churches, listen to the words being spoken and just leave? We come, "sit and soak" yet we are too often that of an undevoted pretender. We come and show love with our lips, yet our hearts are pursuing something else entirely.
[ok. I'm done. off my soap box now.]
Monday, November 2, 2009
Will bring her into the wilderness,
And speak comfort to her. Hosea 2:14
It seems the patience is growing thin. I feel the tug to move forward. But I like this place. I like this feeling. Its comfortable. But something inside me wont stop itching. I am restless and I realize that there is more. I realize that its not over yet. I need to trust. I grab the hand and hold on tight. My body is shaking as the combination of fear and excitement of the unknown crowd my thoughts. The pace picks up and I feel as if my feet are barley touching the ground. As I sweep the floor beneath me, I feel the grip of my security let go. I slow down and realize I am alone. I have never been here before. The fear of abandonment over takes me. As the panic rushes to my thoughts, I start to look for some sort of outlet. But nothing. I am here. I was allured and taken to this wilderness of uncertainty. Where am I? Why am I here? This is not what I imagined, this is not what I had thought. My mind Continues to spin as my thoughts run in circles trying to figure out what is going on. My heart drops at the thought of the false hope I have been standing on. Are my dreams just nonsensical ideals? Then, almost as if someone stepped into a room, a hush fell over my mind. My thoughts quieted. My heart slowed. I couldn't quiet name the feeling that was consuming me. Comfort. I have comfort in this wilderness.
What is it that keeps me busy? Childrens Ministry. Friends. Youth group. Planning next summer's trip to Ireland. Family. and of course Jesus.
For the next 7 weekends I have plans. (vaca in 2010?)
All things are good. Great actually. Yet they continue to keep me on my toes.
p.s. still looking for a hobby once I am no longer a cripple (10 more days of the boot!)
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The leaves change, the flowers bloom and our lives continue on. Just as the season change in our world, our lives are ever changing and constant. The anticipation for the coming fall or bloom is always around a corner as we often eagerly look ahead. I am constantly having to remind myself that I am in a time of preparation. I have been brought here to this place, on this path, cause I am to be be rooted. When the time comes I will be ready, but right now I am to be prepared. I am brought here to listen, to watch, to captivate and to draw near. As the next season approaches it will be in perfect timing. His timing. I am here cause He is not done. I may be justified, but I am not sanctified. My sanctification can only come through the willing act to abandon control and abide. I have no control over my justification- for His mercies are new every morning. My glorification is only going to be obtained when I enter in His presence. But my sanctification? That is a choice I have right now. I must stop, shut up, and let go. I must let the power that He had to conquer death, be the residing influence in me.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Lately... I broke my leg. Well actaully it happened about a month ago and i just found out about it. Typical Laura Colle fashion.
Lately... Ive been feeling restless. I cant stop twitching and trying to find that scratch that I cant itch. But what is it? Im involved. I read. I pray. I try and get out of the way so He can do His thing. Yet here I am. Running in place.
Lately... I have been thinking a lot about the here after. (maybe thats why im restless) I know I dont belong here. I know no one does. Yet the urgency to bow to my face and stand in awe had grown beyond my own comprehension.
Lately... I have been wanting to write even more than usual. But about what?
Lately... I have been wanting to just go. Anywhere. Just to get in the car and drive. Roadtrip anyone?
Lately... I have been wanting to take more pictures.
Lately... I have been loving these two more and more.
Lately... I have been needing a hobby. Im not crafty, am a cripple at the moment and am poor. So much for a hobby.
Lately... I have been wanting to bake every free second I can. Maybe this weekend I can accomplish some of those favortie recipies.
Monday, October 5, 2009
I turn the corner as the rocks prick my feet before I take another step. I open my eyes and realize I am looking down. I know my face should be looking up, yet I am hesitant to rise. The stoney pathway and the pain stare back at me and my heart twist in pain. The deception, the lies, the sin that caused this broken road. I feel the warmth rushed over me as the strength fills my body. I raise my head and see the endless road laid before me. I can see just enough for my own comfort, yet the curiosity is always growing. The trees and haze block me from seeing too far ahead as I continue to walk forward. The pain becomes sharper as the bottoms of my bare feet continue to become calloused. I cry out for something, anything to get through this. Will there ever be an end to this shattered dream?
I feel a hand slip into mine. With such grace it takes hold of my shaking feeble fist as mine relaxes in His. The gentle squeeze reminds me He is there, and always has been. The comfort of peace washes over my heart and I realize I was holding my breath. My shoulders fall and the tension eases. I feel the pain subside and I glance down. The rocks are fewer and far between. My feet are soft again as the sand cushions my toes.
I notice a turn in the path that is not too far away. What will this corner behold?
I have known I tend to dream big (and probably unrealistic) for some time know. I have known that what my hearts longs to do and the dreams I desire to see in reality are abundant. And because of my constant contemplating of what might happen, I more than often wonder what really will come to reality. What will my story be?
Perhaps it is a selfish way of thinking, but if we are honest we all do it on a everyday basis. One of the biggest qualms between man and God is the plan that lays before us. The plan that we do not see and have no idea where it is ending, other than the eternity we choose. Where is my path leading? Is that a turn or twist? Where are the bumps and valleys?
What is my story?
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Go skinny dipping.
He is right. I need to relax. Appreciate where I am at and relish in it...."
Friday, September 25, 2009
I went back out to the west coast for the week for Jamie and Kyles big day and a little Bible College reunion took place as well.
Meghan, Jamie, Becca and me
Dancing the night away
Me and Megs (the single ladies!)
Cutting the cake!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
The fingers begin to quiver as the moisture of the hands cause them to slip. Will they give up the fight of their failing idols? The struggle continues, as their flesh fights back but continues to get weaker. There is no power that will make them let go. True love and devotion comes when it is an act of the free choice and not of power. Yet the jealousy of unconditional love is driving the cry of salvation. Seeing them struggle in their own blood, the heart cries out to “Live!"
“Time of love” came upon you. Your heart was finally softened. All this time you hung by your fingertips to something that was going to fail, yet right behind you was the Living Water. Your face continued to look down, knowing that even though the desire to look upon the Magnificent burned within you, the shame of your brokenness drenched you with humility. Still guilt ridden of your blood and filth, the coolness of the clean water washed over your body. You became clean, and new, as if it never happened. Naked and ashamed, the oil sanctified your soul and you know this is when
“You became MINE”
Thursday, September 3, 2009
I have a problem. I love to read. But as time goes on and I run out of reading my favorite books (fiction and non fiction alike) over again, I have the hardest time finding new material! I go the "christian" section of Borders and I am faced with 2 options: either a watered down "everything is perfect with Jesus and if you give me money" book or ones that I really question is the author has ever read the Bible. So I venture out into the more "secular" sections and am bombarded with Vampires who wish they were Edward Cullen and sappy romance novels that cause my stomach to churn. Oh how I wish there was something new and fresh out that wouldn't make my brain go to mush, but would cause me to think and step outside my realm of reality.
Who knows... maybe its me.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
"It wasn't enough for You to save my soul, set me free and make me Whole.
But You had a plan for me, A destiny for my life...."
I want to honor you and bless you all of my days"
1. I got a car. Let me rephrase that, I BOUGHT a car. Yep, my first adult purchase was made this past Tuesday and now the pretty little car that I can really call mine is sitting in the driveway. It may seem like a small stepping stone to some, but it was a big leap for Laura Jean.
3. Once we return from taking Jordan to Ft. Laurderdale, I move in with one of my good friends, Beth. (within 6 months my parents will have gone from all 3 living at the house, to none. Mom is going to have to get a dog) I have lived on my own before, but never in town. Going to be something to get used to.
4. FSU FOOTBALL SEASON! I have not been in town for a FSU season in 3 years! I am excited for this one to start. The tailgating, the excitement, the never-ending bleeding of garnet and Gold- even when we aren't all that good. But, just as every other fan, I will remain optimistic.
5. Wedding number two! I will be heading to Northern California for my friend Jamie’s wedding and am so excited! Not only will I get to stand next to her and be part of her special day, but selfishly I am excited to see many of my CCBC friends (including my bestie Meg). Some of these people I haven't seen in over a year and it will be good to be around them. I know there will be an abundance of laughter and amazing memories and let me tell you.. I need it!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
In the past three years I have been given opportunities to open my eyes, expand my world and take a bird's eye view of the lives around me. After escaping my southern comfort zone and gaining perspective from all over the world, my heart began yearning for change, and it hasn’t stopped. I become impatient for revival and for the roots of peoples lives to be shaken. I long to see people’s lives changed and impacted. But it will not happen by itself; the fruit cannot spring up without seeds being planted. I cannot make a difference without first getting off the couch, leaving what I know to be comfortable and doing something radical. In order to do something that has never been done before, I must live a life that has never been lived before. I have to ask myself, what is the point of knowing the needs in other people's lives and repressing it, acting as if they don't exist? Acting as if everything is okay?
It is beyond the time we wake from our sleep and step into the darkness of this world. As I walk the streets of my town, or sit and watch as people meander by, I want to scream at them because they don't see it. I sense in some people a comatose life, completely unaware of the world around us, the loss, suffering, and different lives that are taking place outside our self-created bubbles. I see blinding that keeps people from seeing the reality of what is all around them. The reality that people are going without. Without food, clean water, shoes, hope, love, grace, redemption.
But, the veil has been lifted from my face. I have seen the poverty and the less privileged of this world and I can't stop thinking about it. And I struggle to wrap my mind around all that is happening. I am sensitive to the reminders and they give me a little more clarity, my eyes opened a little more.
So what can I do? What must I do? I look down at my feet and am reminded "how beautiful are the feet that carry." As I raise my head, stand up a littler straighter, put on my eternal mindset and begin to be awakened once more to the world around me, I take a step forward. The reality is, my heart knows. The truth is that I can't sit back any longer. I have given my life over to the One who created it, but now it’s time I move.
This past week I was blessed enough to be involved in a ministry where we were able to give over 200 kids a new pair of shoes. But the blessing was found in the act. As the children would come and sit in front of us, we would remove their old shoes and wash their feet clean. As we did this, we would tell them about how Jesus, who loves you, loved His freinds so much, he washed their feet! As I was washing a little boy's feet, not sure if he was paying attention to what I was saying, he surprised me and asked, "Why feet?"
Our feet carry us all of our lives and hold us up. They lead us and take us places that we would never have thought or imagined. Some good and some less so. When we get to the paths in life that aren't so smooth, the bumps more numerous and tricky, what do we do? We look down. Our heads drop and we look at our feet. My prayer is that each person who receives a pair of shoes can remember the hope and encouragement of that special day when their foot slipped into a whole new realm, represented by a shoe. And I pray the love and encouragement they received from the person who gave it to them will remind them to lift their head. That even though right now is tough, tomorrow is a new day. And their newly protected (and loved) feet will carry them.
And it all starts by putting one foot in front of another. So let's go. One shoe at a time.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
So I have to ask my broken and straying heart to humble itself and enter in. I have to put my life away and focus on the Giver of all things. For I know who I am and whose I am. I must go in and expect to be blessed and given hope. I desire to have the markings and evidence of to whom I belong.
"The call of the cross, therefore, is to enter into the passion of Christ.
We must have upon us the mark of the nails." Gordon Watt
Monday, June 29, 2009
But the artist cannot manage this normalcy. Vision keeps breaking through & must find means of expression.”
I drive down the road and sometimes have to stop and catch my thoughts. I have a tendency to be distracted by something- usually anything- and next thing I know I have a lifetime story in my head. Fearless stories of fictional characters who have faced far worse, more tragic lives than my own and how they have dealt with them. Sometimes its opposite- its the way i feel it should be. I am a people watcher. In airports I love to sit and see strangers and in my mind I make up their lives- are they happy? where did they come from? Single? Married? Searching? Found? These characters and imaginary fairy tales of love and lost are swimming aimlessly around my head. I put them down every once in a blue moon- but mostly they just drift off.
But what has gotten my attention more than recently is the spark. What triggers these notions of a unknown reality?
The spark lies in the fire. The spark is the Creator behind everything.
I once read that a artist relationship with their god is not effected by their life. But their life is effected by their god. My God- is the Creator. My life is driven by the creation. And every time I get the spark going, once I get my thoughts under control, I am forced to stand back in awe of what ignited it all.
“Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there. If I make my bed in hell, behold You are there...”
Every where I go I am reminded how You are everywhere. You are in all things. You are guiding me.
“...Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me.” Psalm 139:7-10
Friday, June 5, 2009
“I am given hope that I may remember how to walk across the water.” Journal entry November 5, 2008
Coffee cup number two of the morning is brewing in the kitchen and the dogs are resting at my feet. Looking out the window the rain steadily continues to pulsate to the ground. The bible open next to me and my blackberry not too far out of reach- all my addictions are in place. (with Phil Whickam serenading me). I am trying to enjoy the peace and quiet that surrounds me, knowing what is coming.
Do you ever get the urge to coop yourself up with Jesus? And don’t tell me you are always conversing with Him- your lying. We are all human and live in a world that likes to bully us with dirt and filth. But do you ever, honestly just desire not to leave your sanctuary? Today I am sitting in the kitchen and just enjoying being untouched. For right now, I can relax and just be who God made me and spend time with Him. I don't have to sit up straight (sorry dad), suck in my tummy, worry if my hair is frizzy, and sometimes I actually sing really really loud! Yet I know the reality. I have to leave the front door. I know that in about an hour or so I have to make myself presentable to the outside (cause you will stare), and go forth into the realm of the enemy. BUT (I LOVE that word) when I get dressed this morning,not only will I put on my clothes, do my makeup, try and tame my hair, but I will also put on my armor. I will put on my breastplate of righteousness and I will prepare my feet with the Gospel. Above all- I will have my shield of faith which will protect me against the wickedness that we fight everyday. My helmet of Salvation will be securely renewing my mind and thoughts and my Spirit will be sharper than any two-edged sword. I will walk through the front door- insecure in my own right, but confidant that I will boldly stand in our Protector. I will not turn my back to the evil principalities but I will face them in valiant trust.
“...that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us.” 2 Corinthians 4:7
Monday, June 1, 2009
As they were exchanging their promises of love and sanctity, I felt the goose bumps go up my arms. This is what we all were waiting for. As I started to reminisce on the past few days, I just kept smiling.
I had arrived in Washington D.C. with a bit of discouragement in my own heart and within my own life. But once again I was reminded how personal our God is. He knew exactly the words, the friends, the atmosphere I needed. I now contained a renewed joy and enthusiasm as I stood there, looking at Becca and Paul give not only their lives, but their marriage over to glorify the Lord. The ceremony was an intimate time of worship and remembrance of how our Father views His bride. We were all reminded, once again, how our lives are to represent His love towards us.
But then.... it was time to party! We ended the night with many dances (including the bridal party specialty of the Virginia Real) and many traditions. I honestly don’t think I have had that much fun in a long time. Here are a few captured shots of the big day!
The Bridal party after the Big Finale!
Aren't they precious?
Saturday, May 16, 2009
There it was. It didn’t hold long, but it was there.
He walks by her, again. Everyday it gets harder. He sees her and knows that she is different. He knows that there is something about her that no one else has. He is drawn to her in a way he doesn’t understand and can’t explain. The only way he knows how to deal with it is to turn the other way. He avoids her and tries to keep his distance, yet he can’t take take his focus off of her. He cries out to God to intervene and do something about what is going on inside him. Yet it just grows deeper. Does she even notice him? He looks up at her again, knowing that the walls that surround her aren’t meant to be conquered over and over. But one time. If he is to have her, he is to fight for her. The walls are intimidating, and make her seem untouchable. It seems too narrow. Can he do it? Is he worth it? But she is. She looks his way... “enter by the narrow gate...”
There it was. It didn’t hold long, but it was there.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
*one of the rules in my house that my dad shoved in our faces: “keep your pants on. if you do that, we eliminate a lot of problems.”
Me and my Pops at my graduation.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
I want to go back.
I yearn for Revival.
I desire change in every way. I desire to see change in my life, in this town, in the church, in my friends, in this Godless world. I desire to see a change that will spark us to wake up. I desire for us to stop living amongst the mountain of dry bones, but to cry out “Live!” I desire for the change to start now.
I want to go back to where it all started. I want Acts days where people gathered together in their homes and were forced to be all or nothing-there was no middle. I want to go back to why we do this. I want to go back to how we do this. We do this because we live in a fallen realm ruled by the powers of Darkness and his followers. We do this by the all consuming power of the Holy Spirit that is working is us. I want the power that raised Jesus Christ from the grave to be erupting in us. I want to go back to the basics: Father, Spirit Son.
I yearn for a Revival. I yearn to see churches coming together instead of moving apart. I yearn for a “Jesus movement” to happen in my generation. I yearn for homeless and helpless to be fed and made full. For people who are seeking to find. A revival where we all work as one to shake the roots of this world. A revival that reminds us that this is not home.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
There are 9 million refuges in Korea, homeless and starving.
There are millions in India that sit in darkness and the shadows of
spiritual and physical death haunt them.
There are 1 million Arab refuges that roam the Middle East.
There are 11 million "displaced persons" in Europe who have no where to go.
There are 1/3 million escapes in communist China living in
squatters' huts through out Hong Kong.
There are 15 million Jews who don't realize that their freedom is
just beyond the wall that stops them.
There are 315 million Muslims.
There are 355 million Confucians and Taoists.
There are 255 million Hindus.
There are 90 million Shintoists.
And Millions more....