Wednesday, November 25, 2009

2 years ago I was in Israel and celebrated thanksgiving with my other family. Below is a video my friend Chaim made that stars two of my favorite people: Becca and Paul Ainsle. Becca was one of my many roommates in Israel and her and her husband are back serving as missionaries!

Watching the video reminded me of my time there and how much I would love to go back- even if its for a short time. The memories came flooding back as I saw them shopping where I used to and walking the streets of Tel-Aviv.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

visions of memories

Fish, the southern way.

These one really makes me happy

And this little domestic one as well.

This picture sums up our theology class. Yet I miss it.

Big Brosuf. Lil Brosuf.

Dont you wish we were your neighbors?

Best Birthday Ever.

[[the four]]

My favorite.

Wish fall was like this.

And winter like this.

My craving everyday.

I want to be like them when I grow old.


I get to see her soon!

Part of my heart was left at this wall.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Day After

I was recently reminded that there is always “the day before.” The day before you get married. The day before you have your first child. The day before the towers fell. The day before you get let go from your job. The day before you find out you have to move. When we look back on events that altered our lives, we always remember the day before.

Saturday was my families “day before.” We were all scattered over town. Watching football, attending the women's retreat. Studying for school or just relaxing and enjoying the beautiful saturday. Then sunday came.

No one ever wakes up in the morning knowing what the day will bring. We might have a plan in our calendars. Meetings might be scheduled and appointments might have been made. But ultimately- if something is thrown our way, we have to stop and change our minds and priorities. We must alter our lives. Yesterday was that day for my family.

As I was rushing to the emergency room after church, I kept thinking “I did not wake up expecting this.” But then again, does anyone? Does anyone wake up expecting their families roots to be shaken? Does anyone expect their uncle, brother, father, husband to be suddenly gone? As we sat in the waiting room, trying to comfort as the shock was still settling in, i just kept thinking “this is a dream.” I tried to put myself in everyone’s shoes: my mom lost her brother. My aunt lost her husband. My cousins lost their daddy. The thoughts flooded my heart as it broke.

Saturday was “the day before.” Today is the day after. Tomorrow is the next day. And Wednesday is going to come as well. Soon, I pray, we will not be thinking of the day before, but more of the tomorrow. Cause with every sunset there is a sunrise, and we will rise.

As I walk through heavens gates as the melodies fill my ears. I fall to my knees. The overwhelming peace take hold of my heart as I try and bow to You. My hands reach to You but it will never be as I cannot obtain who You are. Yet Your glory fills the heavens as I remain in awe of Your presence. I desire to praise Your name. "Holy Holy Holy. Is the Lord God Almighty. Who was and is and is to come."

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Too often I ask myself where my faith is held. Is it held in the tangiable I can place my eyes and hands on? Is it held in the beholder of my own imagination? Or is it put in the Creator of all who sees all?
I feel that faith muscle being worked. Its sore and I need some aspirin. Yet I can feel it getting stronger. I know it is growing me and is taking me out of my bubble and having to fully trust the unknown. I have no control over how long this will last or how much it will hurt. But I do know that that the strain is less and the relaxation getting easier. Not because I see a solution, or an end to the means which this has all come to. But because my heart does not fret as much. My mind is calmer and the peace that does not make any sort of sense is now a comfort rather then an itch. I don't know why I worry or freak out. He has known what I need long before I have.

“You will make known to me the path of life...”

I want to see big things happen. I think big, I dream big and I want to see it all come to life. Yet when will it? Will it ever or do I live in a constant state of false reality?

“ Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand are pleasures forevermore”
Psalm 16:11

"It is a positive crime to be weak in God's strength" Oswald Chambers

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Becoming ripe

[Am I allowed to use this to vent? Sure. Why not? The worst that could happen is that you stop reading while my words still hang in the blogging world.]


So often, me included, we catch ourselves being dead. There is nothing worse then going through the motions and not feeling anything. It amazes me how often we put the needs of humans above the call in which God has put on our lives: to glorify Him. As humans we are naturally selfish and think about ourselves. And as Christians we are taught to serve others and have our eyes on anyone but ourselves. But where is our ultimate focus? So often, we see a physical need that must be met, but are we really doing it to honor Him?

What is serving if it cost us nothing? What is giving if we gave up nothing? How ever much you sacrifice, shows how much it is worth. Jesus came to this earth to heal the sick, so that is where we ought to be found. He came and sacrificed all because He believed we were worth it. Yet how often do we sit in the seats of our churches, listen to the words being spoken and just leave? We come, "sit and soak" yet we are too often that of an undevoted pretender. We come and show love with our lips, yet our hearts are pursuing something else entirely.
Sit and soak. But don't start to drip.

[ok. I'm done. off my soap box now.]

Monday, November 2, 2009


Therefore, behold, I will allure her,
Will bring her into the wilderness,
And speak comfort to her. Hosea 2:14

It seems the patience is growing thin. I feel the tug to move forward. But I like this place. I like this feeling. Its comfortable. But something inside me wont stop itching. I am restless and I realize that there is more. I realize that its not over yet. I need to trust. I grab the hand and hold on tight. My body is shaking as the combination of fear and excitement of the unknown crowd my thoughts. The pace picks up and I feel as if my feet are barley touching the ground. As I sweep the floor beneath me, I feel the grip of my security let go. I slow down and realize I am alone. I have never been here before. The fear of abandonment over takes me. As the panic rushes to my thoughts, I start to look for some sort of outlet. But nothing. I am here. I was allured and taken to this wilderness of uncertainty. Where am I? Why am I here? This is not what I imagined, this is not what I had thought. My mind Continues to spin as my thoughts run in circles trying to figure out what is going on. My heart drops at the thought of the false hope I have been standing on. Are my dreams just nonsensical ideals? Then, almost as if someone stepped into a room, a hush fell over my mind. My thoughts quieted. My heart slowed. I couldn't quiet name the feeling that was consuming me. Comfort. I have comfort in this wilderness.


I wish I had something to blog about that is happening in my life. But all I know is that I am busy. Busy is good for me- otherwise I think and think and think and the never ending thoughts consume my brain and get me into trouble.
What is it that keeps me busy? Childrens Ministry. Friends. Youth group. Planning next summer's trip to Ireland. Family. and of course Jesus.

For the next 7 weekends I have plans. (vaca in 2010?)

All things are good. Great actually. Yet they continue to keep me on my toes.

p.s. still looking for a hobby once I am no longer a cripple (10 more days of the boot!)