Today

I woke up with swollen eyes, still exhausted from my restless sleep.
I put on clothes that are not keeping me warm.
I went home to bundle up at lunch, then proceeded to drip tomato juice down the front of my white shirt.
My hair is not working.
I'm hungry.
I'm still cold.
I should of stayed in bed this morning.

The only thing that keeps a smile on my face right now is knowing that tonight I get to have dinner with my girls.

Isolated

Loneliness is the greatest of demons. No matter what you do, what you have, where you’re at in life- there is no greater emptiness than the depression of being alone. What are our greatest fears? They all have the foundation of being left. The hardest cross to bear is to picture our lives with all those whom we love not to exist. God did not make man to be left alone. We were created to be relational beings, thus why when we realize it is a relationship with our Creator that He so desires; it opens up a whole new perspective on religion. When you take a step back, you realize there has always been a fellowship. Before earth was created God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit were all together- there has always been a relationship. If the cornerstone of all life is based off a relationship- no wonder we crave them. It no longer becomes obligatory or something to add to the checklist. Rather, we come to realize that He desires us, He wants to be with us and is jealous for our time.  

Because of that, our relationships here on earth have far more of an effect on us than I think we realize. Parent to child. Brother to Sister. Friend to Friend. Husband to Wife. 

Yet what happens when we are left alone? I know Jesus is my Friend, my Comforter, My Savior- but that doesn’t mean the loneliness disappears. That doesn’t mean that the feelings, desires and needs I have as human cease. So now what? I believe there is a purpose for everything and in everything- what is the purpose in this??

And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day. (Gen. 32:24)

I wrestle with myself. I have been brought here to be left to wrestle with a man, that man is me.

I will not let thee go, except thou bless me. (Gen 32:26).

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I was better with my money. That way I could save and have this

So that sometimes when I see pictures like this, the yearning in my heart and the aching in my insides could do more than just muster up and then disappear when I turn the page.  To actually do something about it. Even if it is just to hold them, squeeze them into love and tell that there is someone who knew them before they were born.  

Sometimes I write and write and write and no one ever sees it. 

Sometimes I speak in code.

Sometimes I think people can read my mind

Sometimes I wonder why someone would want to see it.

Sometimes I wonder who actually reads this thing. 

Not Forgotten

All I want to do is hold you. To tell you that Jesus loves you and that one day, it will get better. That this isn't it,and you will enter in to everlasting perfection.

Its the little reminders

Last night as I was sitting on the alphabet rug surrounded by antsy 5 year olds, Mattie was in my lap and Layla was resting her elbow on my knee. We were going around talking about prayer request and praise reports, mostly consisting of the new cat or the most recent lost tooth.  As everyone was taking their turn, Mattie pulled on my shirt and whispered something in my ear, “Ms. Laura, did you know that God is in Heaven? Did you know that He loves us? Did you know that we can pray to Him whenever we want?” For the next 15 minutes, my shirt was tugged and my ear heard the sweet whispers of who Mattie thought God was. My heart was filled with joy as I was once again reminded why I do what I do.

         As the class went on and we learned how God does not see our feet, our hair, our mind, but the deep desires and interest of our heart. We then had them search the classroom for pink hearts with the lessons verse, then they had white hearts that said "what does god see in my heart?" They drew pictures of different things, mostly their pets or mommy and daddy. But I left class with one major question:

What does God see in my heart? 

That's scary. 

We meet again

I get to see her this weekend. And I am so excited!