Set Free

I stand, hunched over and feeling the weight of the chains that keep my arms tied to the sides of my aching body.  The bondage of what I have done and what has been done to me keeps me tired and helpless. All I need to some attention. I have need of love and acceptance. I need someone to recognize that I am the victim and that I have been through Hell.  Yet all I get is this conditional embrace and occasional conversation. But mostly it is smiles filled with pity and sympathy.  My arms are getting heavier and my knees are starting to shake.

I remember sitting in my apartment that August, the windows were open and it was boiling hot. I was the only girl who had any idea what humidity was and this was bad! The cool breeze was coming in through all the windows and openings we could find.  As the sweat dripped down our backs, me and Danielle sat in the hallway enjoying the natural air conditioning. I remember saying how I will always struggle with this. It is the “thorn in my flesh” so to speak and this is will always be something I have to deal with. She looked at me, and said something I will never forget, that changed my life forever.

“But why? You have victory over all things through Christ.”

 My aha moment had happened.  I had been settling and allowing the enemy to keep me chained down.

We have to realize we are under no bondage of sin and the power that comes with Freedom. We are liberated from the chains that we think are there. We find ourselves searching for our identity in what has happened to us, or what we struggle with. The problem is, those issues are tangible and it truly comes down to gaining that all consuming pride that our flesh desires, “Look at poor poor pitiful me” Yes, things happen and a lot of times they are not in our power or control. However, the attitude and what we do with those situations is. Are we going to let what has happened to us in the past, or what we have done in the past, effect what our lives are now? That is not who we are- who we are needs be founded on the Salvation of Jesus Christ. Everyday, every moment, we must realize act the of surrender. 

“But having been freed from sin, you become slaves to righteousness” Romans 6:18

Today

“God’s perfect will”

What does that even mean?

If we are at all honest with ourselves, we are constantly wondering if this is it. How do we know we are there? Sure, we get glimpses of that feeling or peace and we think, “so this is what it feels like to be at complete peace with your life?”  Yet majority of the time, we question…constantly.

I have come to realize, in my (short) almost 23 years, that it is a day-to-day act of surrender. Sure we want the whole picture, we want to know that at this point in life you will be here and at this age this will happen. But what kind of faith does it take if we have knowledge? It is faith in the unknown that causes us truly surrender.

What I have to recognize is today is today. Am I being faithful in will of God today? Tomorrow, next week and the following 50 years are all unknown to me, and as the doors open, I pray I have the faith to walk through. Personally, my frustration doesn’t even come from being scared or apprehensive.  It’s not that I won’t walk through an open door, it’s that there is no door!

The last thing I want to do is to have God bless my plans. To push my way through or into something and then tell God to smile upon what I am doing and tell Him to bless it. Who do I think I am and why would I want to be in control? Lord, stop me if my fingerprints are on anything.

As much as I would love to see step 2, 3 and all the way to the end, step 1 is the most important: the faith to get off the couch. The faith of obedience in what is in front of me today.

So today, I am going to be faithful at my job, be faithful to the people that I meet and talk to, be diligent in prayer and in His Word. 

“Meditate on these things; give yourself entirely to them…for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you.” 1 timothy 4

To Whom it May Concern

Why are you so far from me? In my arms is where you ought to be. 

How long will you make me wait? I don't know how much more I can take.

I miss you, but I haven't met you. Oh but I want to, how I do.

Slowly counting down the days. Till I finally know your name.

The way your hand feels round my waist, the way you laugh, the way your kisses taste.

I miss you, but I haven't met you. Oh, but I want to, how I do. 

Dear whoever you might be, I'm still waiting patiently. 

The Civil Wars

This Weekend

Go here and watch this:

CRosSWILD

HomeGroup

The shoes are knocked off, the burdens from the week are set aside and we relax in the worn-in couches. Coffee and bibles in hand, we recognize the spirit of unity and fellowship. Laughter erupts and stories are told of the week’s happenings. We could go on for hours about the mundane things, but as we start to discuss the reasons why we gather every week as we realize the refreshment that comes with community.  I won’t lie- we have had our moments. But what do you expect when you put 12 different people who come from 12 different backgrounds in a room to discuss the most important things: YOU.

            I am thankful for the conversation, even the tension- that just means we are being honest.  But mostly, these are friendships that were founded on YOU.  We get to talk, discuss and pray as one body and one church. The encouragement, support and love that has sprouted is still growing.

They say you know a tree by its fruit? We have a harvest that is evident of the Lord’s movement and power.  

And one day… we will have our commune (just kidding….but really.)

“And they continued steadfastly in the apostles' doctrine and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and in prayers.” Acts 2:42

11:45

Not quite the next day yet, but my brain is going again. 
This sucks.

There is a reason why popular or cliche verses are so, and its cause they hold truth and strength that is the proof of the Living Word. I tend to do everything quickly and fast in my life. I like high-paced, busy and calendar full days. I need someone to bring me down, tell me to take a deep breath and relax.

I have finally gotten to the point, where I realize it is ok to be alone. But in order to get there, I had to get alone.

Today, I needed to sit back and take a deep breath, count my blessings and recognize that through it all, God was holding my hand. I might have gone kicking and screaming, but I could feel his grip never letting lose. I could feel the comfort of Him as He just smiled, grabbed tight onto my wrist and gently pulled me along. He knew I would look back and realize the valley was not so bad. That I may be a different person- but this is where He wanted me all along.

We think He is surprised by what happens in our lives. He isn't.

Tonight, I am reading this... slowly.


"Trust in the Lord and do good. (Breath)
Dwell in the Land and cultivate faithfulness. (Breath)
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. (Breath)
commit your ways to Him, (Breath)
Trust also in Him, and He will do it." (Breath)
Psalm 37:3-4

Jesus, give me more of You and less of me.

Beta

He calls himself beta and loves to watch penguins (AKA Marry Poppins). He likes to run around like Buzz Lightyear and then fall into your lap, just to get up again and do it all over. He loves to read the same book over and over and over....

But mostly, He loved to watch himself on the camera on my computer. You should see the videos. 

Adorable. 

We had a good time yesterday.

12:07

   It is 7 minutes into the new day and I am awake as my brain is going full speed. I cant seem to get this spaghetti brain of mine to shut off. I'm seeking and yearning and desiring more and cant seem to quench the thirst. I came across an old sweeping of my attic and it amazed me how I am still at this point. I am still here- in this wilderness.


Is that acceptable? Did I just suppress it? Was I ignoring it? Or was I just simply not ready to face it? 


It seems the patience is growing thin. I feel the tug to move forward. But I like this place. I like this feeling. Its comfortable. But something inside me wont stop itching. I am restless and I realize that there is more. I realize that its not over yet. I need to trust. I grab the hand and hold on tight. My body is shaking as the combination of fear and excitement of the unknown crowd my thoughts. The pace picks up and I feel as if my feet are barley touching the ground. As I sweep the floor beneath me, I feel the grip of my security let go. I slow down and realize I am alone. I have never been here before. The fear of abandonment over takes me. As the panic rushes to my thoughts, I start to look for some sort of outlet. But nothing. I am here. I was allured and taken to this wilderness of uncertainty. Where am I? Why am I here? This is not what I imagined, this is not what I had thought. My mind Continues to spin as my thoughts run in circles trying to figure out what is going on. My heart drops at the thought of the false hope I have been standing on. Are my dreams just nonsensical ideals? 


Then, almost as if someone stepped into a room, a hush fell over my mind. My thoughts quieted. My heart slowed. I couldn't quiet name the feeling that was consuming me.

 Comfort. I have comfort in this wilderness. 

Comfort that I am not alone. Comfort that my God will never leave me, nor forsake me. Comfort that as I delight myself in the Lord, He will give me the desires of my heart. 


Delight myself in You. 

Buried

I’m buried underneath bibles, books, commentaries, coffee mugs and empty boxes.

I turn to the other side of my office and its crayons, fabric, plastic cars, schedules and attendance sheets.

As claustrophobic and chaotic as this may sound, it is actually refreshing.

I look up on my wall and see pictures of places I have been and places I long to see.  Post-its cover my wall with little reminders of who I am and who I am not.

Sometimes I feel older than I am.

Then I am reminded that this is not over yet.

He is not done with me nor am I done.

Praise the Lord cause I am a mess. (literally)

“The worst condition is to be a slave to the desires of your heart. 

That’s when you give up everything for nothing at all.”