Isolated

Loneliness is the greatest of demons. No matter what you do, what you have, where your at in life- there is no greater emptiness than the depression of being alone. What are our greatest fears? They all have the foundation of being left. I was listening to Rush Limbaugh the other morning, a woman called in, concerned for her husband. He had woken her up in the middle of the night, terrified cause if he was to lose his job he was afraid he would lose her. We are all afraid of being alone. No amount of money, no amount of materials or activities will ever conquer the need for others. The hardest cross to bear is to picture our lives with all those whom we love not to exist. God did not make man to be left alone. There has always been a fellowship. Before earth was created God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit were having a grand ole’ time all together- there has always been a relationship. If the cornerstone of all life is based off a relationship- no wonder we crave them.
Yet what happens when we are left alone? I know Jesus is my Friend, my Comforter, My Savior- but that doesn’t mean the loneliness disappears. That doesn’t mean that the feelings, desires and needs I have as human cease. So now what? I believe there is a purpose for everything and in everything- what is the purpose in this??

And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day. (Gen. 32:24)

I wrestle with myself. I have been brought here to be left to wrestle with a man, that man is me.

I will not let thee go, except thou bless me. (Gen 32:26)

Drive

“What drives you?”

It was the question that surrounded the weekend as the second annual CRosSWILD spring retreat took place. A few sets of brave parents and roughly 40 college-age leaders decided to embark on this adventure: taking nearly 200 youth kids to the beach for 3 days. For us leaders, I think I speak for all when I say our lives revolve around these youth groups. The whole weekend was focused on wanting our kids (cause yes, we love them as our own) to see Jesus come alive and too come to the realization that He needs to be your driving force. Our prayer was that, if anything, we wanted them to leave that weekend with a new sense of purpose. That the reason they get up in the morning was not to see their friends, or to go to school to make sure they got into the best colleges, or to try to be accepted according to the world. But the driving force, the thing that gave them a hope, peace and a future was their love and relationship with Jesus Christ. We wanted them to have the burning question: But what drives you?

Through out the weekend I was amazed of how much joy filled me as I looked around the room. One of the my favorite things to do sometimes when I am in a worship service, is just take a look around and listen. As I was scanning the room I saw hands lifted up in the air, voices singing to the Lord as they were praising Him. Students from 6th grade to people in their 20s were letting go of everything and realizing that Jesus needs to be Lord in their lives, and they were letting Him. That image and sounds will forever be in my mind. They were realizing and remembering that a radical change is needed. That the revolution needs to continue.

I realized how much of a miracle all of this is. Its not very common that you find 40 people in the mid 20’s who are completely sold out for Jesus, each other, their ministries and the purpose of what God has put in front of them. I realized how blessed I am that I have 2 brothers and a future sister that I love and get along with, who want to serve Jesus. I realized how blessed I am that I am surrounded by some of my best girlfriends that love each other and support each other no matter what. I realized how blessed I am that I can do what I love to do with my friends, with my family and with the knowledge that the Lord is using all of us to glorify His name. The strand of Jesus Christ that binds all of us together is stronger than any other and brings a trust and respect that you will find no where else. The all consuming fire that is burning in us is lit. We desire to see the generation ignite.

Drive us to You.
Let the Revolution continue.
Ignite our generation.

Consummers

Got a call this morning from a Snow Bird down south ranting on the latest news of the Secertatry of Tresury scandal. What can I do about this? Nothing. Did he even ask me to do anything about it? Nope. Just wanted someone (anyone apparently) to listen. Don't we all?

One more week here at the capitol. Then its off to more rewarding things.

Ava

**this is one of the stories I started a few years ago. Out of the 4 or so I began, this is the one I would feel most comfortable continuing. But, as you can tell, its got a long way to go and hasn't gotten very far. But I think it about it the most.

She was sitting on the couch in the living room, eagerly anticipating for him to come home.
“Mom? Where is he?” Ava could hardly hold in her excitement as she fidgeted in the sofa, her little legs dangled off the edge.
“He is on his way; he just called and said he left the office. Are you ready to go when he gets here?” Watching her little girl as she had gotten all dressed up for the occasion, her favorite dress and cowgirl boots, and as she eagerly anticipating the arrival of her father- it brought back memories of Julie and her own dad. Growing up, Julie and her dad always made an effort to spend some quality father-daughter time together. When she was Ava’s age, she remembers being just as anxious and fervent. Remembering how special it was to go on those daughter-daddy dates, knowing how much she loved spending that time with him and still cherishes every memory. Her prayer and desire was for one day her daughter to have that same relationship with her husband. She looked at Ava and was so proud and delighted that it was coming true. She heard the garage door open and was snapped back into reality.
“Daddy! Daddy! You're home! Are you ready to go?!” Ava had already jumped off the sofa and darted toward the door. Jumping in excitement her dad swooped her tiny body up in his arms- Her curls bouncing all around. Giving her a big hug and squeezing her tight, it just made her more excited. Julia stood back in the kitchen, leaning up against the counter where she was preparing dinner and just smiled.
“Give me a few minutes to change and talk with mommy, and then we will go.” He put her down on the ground, standing her on her feet. “Go get your purse and wait for me ok?” Ava scurried off to her room.
“And how are you? I missed you.” As he leaned in and gave Julie a gentle kiss, she was yet again reminded of why she married this man. God had been so faithful to both of them, granting them both with the desires they had always harbored in their hearts. When Julia met Jackson she was needing to be rescued. Her relationship with the Lord had been straining, and even though she was involved in ministries and serving in the church- she knew she was still drowning. It was when she least expected it, when she was consumed in her own depravity and seeking to come up for breath, that the Lord answered her prayers. She had been praying for support, for someone to help hold her hands up and be that leader that she so desperately needed.

Childhood Dreams

*this is one of a few stories that I started a few years back. Bear with me. But I thought for you few readers who follow this thing, you might get some ammusment out of them. This is one of a some more to come:


Claudia climbed up the steep steps as she followed her dad to their seats. Heart pounding with excitement, she could hardly keep up. The smell of wine and food filled the arena. She had to keep reminding herself that she was here. She was at the coliseum about to whiteness the most popular game to ever exist. She was going to see a gladiator fight! Earlier that morning her mom was still nervous about her going, not wanting her nine year old daughter’s mind to be filled with these images. But the anxious beating of her heart that Claudia felt inside her was something that she had to feed.
As they took their seats, Claudia shyly maneuvered her way down the packed aisle. Right as she got to her place, the crowd that filled every seat available started cheering, making it seem like the whole arena was shaking! The beat of her heart grew faster.
“Are you alright? Are you gonna make it?” Her dad asked her as if he doubted her ability to stay.
“I am good, just really excited!” Claudia looked down at her chest, thinking that her heart was coming out of it, it was beating so fast.
“The gladiators won’t come out for awhile; there is some pre-game fights that happen before. So just sit tight and be patient.” Looking down at her with a half smile, he wondered what her reaction was going to be when she saw what the Roman games were really about.
Claudia took her gaze off of her dad and focused in on the center of the arena. The sun beat down on the crowd as the heat began to rise. Filled with sand, there were four doors that surrounded the arena down below, behind them where the caged animals and brave men that would fight. As Claudia dreamed of what these mighty warriors looked like and trying to picture which way they would come, the doors opened and the crowed screamed even louder. Claudia’s eyes were fixated upon the doors, looking at them back and forth, not wanting to miss a single moment.

Then, to her surprise, people came to the center. Not these grand men that Claudia had pictured in her mind. But these normal, small, people sheepishly walked onto the dusty sand. Confused, Claudia kept her eyes fixed on them, in particular a little girl, probably about her age, she guessed.
And then, the other door opened and out came five lions. Utterly confused and ultimately frightened, Claudia looked up at her father, “Dad, dad, dad! What is going on? Why are there those people in the field, why is that girl in the sand with lions? Where are the gladiators?” -the questions and confusion flooded in.
“I told you there was some pre-game fights before the gladiators come out. These are just slaves. They probably disobeyed their masters or are sick or old anyway. They are pointless. It’s ok. Just watch.” He said it so… so, normal.
“Are they going to die dad?” She asked it with so much grief and sadness in her voice. Was this what her mom was talking about? Not wanting her to see the horror of the games? With her dad’s mind not paying attention to her, she let the question go, already knowing the answer.
Claudia just stood there, not really sure how to act. Her dad accepted it, so it was okay. Right? With her eyes glued onto the little girl, Claudia could not think of anything anyone could do, especially someone who was so young, to deserve this. As the Lions started sauntering toward the people, the little girl ran behind a woman, Claudia guessed it was her mom. The Lions got closer and closer, knowing that these slaves had no means of escape.
As she watched, captivated by what was about to take place. The crowd’s screams of excitement and the roaring of the drunken men and women died around her. She felt as though she only could hear the little girl’s whimpers as she stood behind her mother. Claudia sat down, knees pulled to her chest and hands covering her ears. She didn’t move until her dad told her it was time to go home.

countdown

I wish I had something more profound to write about... but I don't. I haven't had any real epiphanies in last few weeks- but I feel one brewing.

In the mean time I will have to copy my Pops....

TOP 10 LIFE MOMENTS OF 2008

1. Went to Utah on a 10 day mission’s trip with CCBC and had an amazing time! The Lord did a lot in those few days amongst all of our lives and within the Mormon Church. Really radical to see that in movement

2. Graduated from CCBC in May. Just got a piece of paper for those two years- but it was 2 years that changed my life forever

3. Got accepted for my internship at the new CCBC campus in Montebelluna, Italy

4. Spent the summer with my ailing grandmother. A summer I will always cherish and even though it was many nights of watching game shows and waking up in the middle of the night: I wouldn't change a thing.

5. Same summer, I got to know my Jr. High girls. That was radical.

6. moved to Italy for the fall. Had no idea what was ahead of me...

7. traveled Europe. that was cool (Norwegian skinny dipping at 3 in the morning... who does that?)

8. Cooked with 5 Italian women in a small kitchen. Had no idea what they were saying, but the best day in Italy I had

9. 5 weddings in 2009. (Congrats, Sara, Becca,Jamie, Caroline and Jul)3 I am in, 2 I will can just attend. one of which....

10. Is my older brother's. William proposed to Jul after almost 4 years of dating. About time buddy!!! (love you)

Dorothy

The smell of bleach and febreeze are dancing around the house as I finally get to sit down. Today was deep clean/pack up day. (I find it ironic that the cleanest the house has ever been is when we are moving out.) Later on tonight we have a ceremony for the three graduates from our campus, and then afterwards we are all heading for one more time of Italian pizza. Tomorrow, the leaving begins. Its crazy to me, that in 3 days I will be landing in the Atlanta airport. I will be bombarded with American Christmas, starbucks and English. Can I say that I am a bit excited? :)

Over the past week or so, we have kept pretty busy just trying to get everything in. We went Ice Skating in the next town, Feltre, near the mountain (which gave me the meanest blister of my life!) We took our Italian friends to go get mexican food. (well.. it was close) As of right now, it is just soaking it all in. I didn’t realize what all I was leaving and how many goodbyes there would be. Its a bittersweet time, but I can honestly say, I am ready for the next season.

For the past few years, I have been in one step- just to look forward and plan the next. I was graduating high school just to go on to California. I was leaving a semester in school to come home, just so to leave again. I graduated Bible College and was going home and then leaving for Italy. Now... I am heading home with no plan of leaving. To be honest, I never thought I would be going home without a plan to leave again. Yet, as usual, God is chucking at me. I don’t have a next step. Which is actually more exciting than knowing. I get to relax. I get to have a routine that won’t be broken in a month. I am now able to get involved in home, in my church, and I get to be part of people’s lives again and actually physically be there! So as I look at my suitcase and wonder how it will all fit, seeing how the walls are slowly becoming bare, and trying to ration the food I have left, I realize that soon, this Dorothy will get to tap her shoes and be at home.