Lead me

Lead me.

My knees are buckling and I need You to help me stand.

I’m left hungry for love that won’t come.

I can’t chase dreams that won’t ever live

Show me that it’s worth the fight

That one day, Your promise, Your vision, will happen.

Scared of the reality of what might not come.

You say you’re protecting me, but I can’t seem to see the reward.

One day, I pray, that I can look back.

I can laugh at my own self and lack of faith.

For expectant faith is the hardest to have-

To trust You when I don’t know where it may lead.

To be content and not complacent.

For You desire truth in my inward parts

To know that in this hidden recess of my mind, you are hiding wisdom.

But I am letting you know- I can no longer do this alone.

“May He grant you according to your hearts desire,

and fulfill all your purpose.” Psalm 20:4

Whoops.

Everyone has a demon. Especially on the days that when your pants are a little too tight, you’ve cried twice before lunch and you just cant stop sweating (thank you Florida heat).




Today my demon was lurking in the corner, in the deep recesses of my mind and it all came to blows around 1:30 this afternoon. I stood there, in the lobby awaiting my turn to choose my destiny. I decided to go with choice number two- hold the pickles. I thought today (as I reminded myself of the tightness of my pants around Henry)I would have the strength to resist the temptation.

Oh how our mind likes to deceive itself.



As I made my way back to my desk I realized that I should have gone with number 9 option and all temptation would have been avoided. I pulled the little black box from the paper bag and spread the demon’s cousin onto the warm chicken. They gave me enough lettuce today to make it protein style, and with that comes many positive reactions- especially physically. As I placed the 2 pieces of wheat poison together my thoughts were deep in battle.

“You will regret this.”

“Yes, but you deserve it!”

“It’s not worth it!”

“You’ve worked too hard lately, you deserve some compensation”

“YOU’RE ALLERGIC! THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN!”

“Do it.”

I did it.

Vision and Reality

      "We always have visions, before a thing is made real.  When we realize that although the vision is real, it is not real in us, then is the time that Satan comes in with his temptations, and we are apt to say it is no use to go no. Instead of the vision becoming real, there has come the valley of humiliation.
     God gives us the vision, then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of the vision, and it is in the valley that so many of us faint and give way. Every vision will be made real if we have patience. Think of the leisure of God! He is never in a hurry. We are always in a frantic hurry. In the light of the glory of the vision we go forth to do things, but the vision is not real in us yet; and God has to take us into the valley, and put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the place where He can trust us with the veritable reality. Ever since we had the vision God has been at work, getting us into shape of the ideal, and over and over again we escape from His hand and try to batter ourselves into our own shape.
      The vision is not a castle in the air, but a vision of what God wants you to be. Let Him put you on His wheel and whirl you as He likes, and as sure as God is God and you are you, you will turn out exactly in accordance with the vision.  Don't lose heart in the process. If you have ever had the vision of God, you my try as you like to be satisfied on a lower level, but God will never let you."  -Oswald Chambers

"I will stand my watch and set myself on the rampart, and watch to see what He will say to me, and I will answer when I am corrected. Then the Lord answered me and said: 'Write the vision and make it plain on tablets, that he may run who reads it. For the vision is for an appointed time; But in the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; Because it will surely come, it will not tarry." 

Habakkuk 2:1-3

confessions of an ex-healthy person

My eyes open and I am greeted with the feeling that I know will help my day start off on a good foot: 

I feel skinny. 

Granted I am lying down and that is when gravity becomes your friend, but still, I feel skinny. As my feet hit the floor my mood is already starting off chipper as I look forward to wearing those skinny jeans and maybe, just maybe a non “I want to hide my tummy” shirt. I make my way to the full length mirror and am tempted to not take a look, afraid my early morning high will be deflated. I take a deep breath, lift my over sized sleep shirt just so, and yes! I cant believe it- my tummy, my Henry (yes it is named) actually looks flatter! There is a God! 

I had to stop myself from actually jumping up and down and letting out a “yipee!” I have been going to the gym, pushing myself a little bit and actually been eating pretty good. Ok, so when I get a bit overwhelmed I give in to that tempting bag of skittles and Diet Coke. But other then that, I have been on track and doing it right. 

       My eye catches the devil in the room. It has been neglected and collecting dust for months in fear of the truth it may behold. I dread the digital red numbers as they just keep going up and up and up and up. I have avoided this horrid invention as of late, but today, I feel as though I can face my dreaded total. I get rid of all what could be excess numbers and take a step on. The math begins and just so I don't give into the cowardliness of what it could be, I close my eyes. Silently I weight for the “beep beep”. Its finished. It has the results of what could be the end of my “skinny”. I open my eyes and my reality is faced.

WHAT THE?!?!?!?!?!?!

Its broken. It HAS to be broken. After all, I haven't used it in months so that means the possibility of a malfunction is high on the list. This cannot be right. 

My skinny is gone. done. depleted.

Ok- so I gave in a few times to the skittles. Maybe even to the mexican food. And the gym had been a little more scarce lately. But this? No. I am not suppose to see that number. I used to be this crazy health nut and had the will power of Jesus to say no to all things sweet and salty. Past few months- not so much. 

My skinny high is gone and I head to my closet, once again longing for winter so I can hide behind hoodies and scarves. I go for my default and grab the leggings that hold in Henry and a blouse top so I don't have to suck in. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much and I could be one of those people who just lets it all hang out anyway. Wears tight tops and could give a flippin snicker bar if they had a roll over their waist. But I’m not that person and more power to you if you are! 

As for today, I will eat my sweet potatoes, drink my water, and munch on my carrots as I start over... again.  

comming soon....

an update.
there is much to discuss.
VBS
Future
Jesus
me (but who wants that one?)
design
loves
likes
dislikes
and the list goes on.

if only my days werent all filled.

Repost

Lord help me to remember this person:

"I desire the consuming fire tht will lead my prayers to directed at my God. I desire this fire that the world cannot explain. I desire the passion that will bring me to my face between my knees. The passion that I cannot obtain. I refuse to sit with uncallused knees. To stand with the words being recited from my mind. I will not have the heart of an uninvovled, undevoted, indifferent pretender. I desire a life that is ecompassed with the sweet fellowship of Jesus and is solid in my stand, with my trust in Him. I want to hit my broken and bruised knees every morning when I sit at the feet of my Savior. I want the Holy Spirit to be overflowing in me and interceding- for I am lost at what to pray. For no person is greater then the prayer life in which he posses- when we are not praying we are straying. When we are straying, we are not pursuing the holiest relationship we could obtain with our Creator. Our praying needs to be that of God's servant Elijah. A man who was just like us- an example of a prayer life that was pressed and pursued. That had an abundant energy that never grows weary and a presistence that has an encouraging fixation upon our Lord."

Originally written in Spring 2008

not anymore

I haven't taken a picture in months.

I haven't written in weeks.

I feel the little creative jucies that I do obtain slowly slipping away.

Something needs to change.

If only change wasn't at a cost.