Friday, January 29, 2010

Stop Looking

4. Stop Looking
I have dreaded writing this particular post ever since I sat down and made my list. I actually was thinking of skipping it all together and hoping that the the few people who do read this thing wouldn't notice. But I came to the realization that most things that I don't want to do, I need to do. So here I am- writing about the one topic that covers the majority of my personal and most intimate detailings of my life. (Aren't you excited?! lol)

This particular topic is something that I have fought with and kicked against for the longest time. For as long as I can date back to, I can never be still and I don't know how to relax. So as a result: my naps consist of 20 minutes of zoning out to the "Food Network." My days and nights off- well I don't have those. and to me- taking it easy is baking a pie from scratch while I enjoy my 4th cup of coffee. But, it is by choice. I love being busy, cause it gives me less time for my thoughts to get me in trouble. And even though I may have something on my plate every day and every night of the week- I still cant help but keep looking. Looking for the next door to walk through. Looking for the next season in my life. Looking for my realistic Mr. Darcy to walk through the door. I HATE missing out on anything and so I am always looking. This year- I have decided to stop looking. Well, lets be honest, try and stop looking.

One of the things I have realized through out this realization is that its gosh darn hard! People say you should "live in the moment" but I am a planner and I like to live in the what ifs and maybes of tomorrow. It gives me glimpse of hope and mystery. BUT (my favorite word), I also realize I cannot live in the fantasy. I must realize that certain things are out of my control. Can I be creative and dream? of course! Yet I must realize that the best things that have happened in my life were usually in the state of unexpectancy.

Do I want more adventures? Yes. Do I want to go places, do different things see what else is out there? Yes. Do I get restless and just want it all to start now? YES! Do I wish God would just tell me who I am to marry just so we can get the freakin ball rollin? duh! (sorry-but lets be honest?)

Yet to live in the expected is boring. To live in the moment of mystery as God surprises me when I am NOT looking- that is hope.

This is my motion for change.

1 comment:

  1. Laura,

    This post captivated me so much, I had to go back and read your other three motions. I feel for you, being unable to relax. I've made relaxing an art form and would be totally frazzled without my 'chill time'.

    I also commend you for sharing that with us. I know it wasn't easy. But one of my favorite parts of blogging (or actually reading other peoples blogs), is the occasional post that just rings true and resonates. Yours did with me.

    Thank you for the peek.