Past Excitement

Six days from now I will be on a place heading over the Atlantic Ocean embarking on another adventure. This one, however, is a bit different. This time, I one of the adults. However terrifying that may be, especially to the 6 High School students whose parents are trusting us, I am past excitement. I past the excitement and entering into the anxiousness of not being able to fall asleep the night before. The anxiousness to see what in the heck God is going to do. Not only for the country of Ireland, but in our hearts as well. I cannot wait to see the awakening that will happen, the veils that will be lifted and the utter amazement that will take place. Cause you see, there is no reason why any of us should be going. The team consist of 4 broke adults in their 20s and 6 17-18 year olds. Yet here we are, 6 days out and ready to go. God even worked past my selfishness and provided a camera for me, that ultimately just put the icing on the cake.

(You see I love traveling, but if I cant capture it through the view finder of a Canon or Nikon, I become bitter. Wrong? Yes, but its one of many faults that I have. Yet- here I am, drooling over the camera that is in front of me, dreaming about all the wonderful images I am hoping to capture.) 


Pray. Updates and pictures will be coming.

If I won

..the lottery, and there werent starving people in Africa, Haiti and all over the world I would buy something. Ok, ok i would tithe and give some to the family. BUT, even if I didnt win the lottery and just had a few extra grand laying around (cause you know, it happens) I would get this:

and this:

and schedule to work out with them.. every day!

Ok. Back to the budget.

My Fleece

Gideon was a man of valor. He was a smart warrior and a mighty man who was used in the bible to bring God's people victory.

He was also a doubter. He hid in the winepress and threshed wheat. God asked him to do something he saw as impossible. Gideon questioned the path God had put before him. He wondered how, when and why. Gideon doubted, but he was honest about it.

He doubted and then sought after an asnwer.

“Before I lead any attempt at conquering the Midianites, I must be filled with Your Spirit, Lord. I lay out my life as a fleece before You. Saturate me. Drench me.

Flood me with Your Spirit, or I cannot go.”

Gideon laid out his fleece and God proved himself in might, yet Gideon still had doubt and once again he prayed,

“Lord, I want a second understanding of this situation. Even should my own life become dry, I want the ground round about me, the lives next to me, the work connected to me to go on in the anointing and power of Your Spirit. Even if I should dry out, dry up, or fail, Lord I want Your name to be glorified and Your work to be done.”

Lead me

Lead me.

My knees are buckling and I need You to help me stand.

I’m left hungry for love that won’t come.

I can’t chase dreams that won’t ever live

Show me that it’s worth the fight

That one day, Your promise, Your vision, will happen.

Scared of the reality of what might not come.

You say you’re protecting me, but I can’t seem to see the reward.

One day, I pray, that I can look back.

I can laugh at my own self and lack of faith.

For expectant faith is the hardest to have-

To trust You when I don’t know where it may lead.

To be content and not complacent.

For You desire truth in my inward parts

To know that in this hidden recess of my mind, you are hiding wisdom.

But I am letting you know- I can no longer do this alone.

“May He grant you according to your hearts desire,

and fulfill all your purpose.” Psalm 20:4

Whoops.

Everyone has a demon. Especially on the days that when your pants are a little too tight, you’ve cried twice before lunch and you just cant stop sweating (thank you Florida heat).




Today my demon was lurking in the corner, in the deep recesses of my mind and it all came to blows around 1:30 this afternoon. I stood there, in the lobby awaiting my turn to choose my destiny. I decided to go with choice number two- hold the pickles. I thought today (as I reminded myself of the tightness of my pants around Henry)I would have the strength to resist the temptation.

Oh how our mind likes to deceive itself.



As I made my way back to my desk I realized that I should have gone with number 9 option and all temptation would have been avoided. I pulled the little black box from the paper bag and spread the demon’s cousin onto the warm chicken. They gave me enough lettuce today to make it protein style, and with that comes many positive reactions- especially physically. As I placed the 2 pieces of wheat poison together my thoughts were deep in battle.

“You will regret this.”

“Yes, but you deserve it!”

“It’s not worth it!”

“You’ve worked too hard lately, you deserve some compensation”

“YOU’RE ALLERGIC! THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN!”

“Do it.”

I did it.

Vision and Reality

      "We always have visions, before a thing is made real.  When we realize that although the vision is real, it is not real in us, then is the time that Satan comes in with his temptations, and we are apt to say it is no use to go no. Instead of the vision becoming real, there has come the valley of humiliation.
     God gives us the vision, then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of the vision, and it is in the valley that so many of us faint and give way. Every vision will be made real if we have patience. Think of the leisure of God! He is never in a hurry. We are always in a frantic hurry. In the light of the glory of the vision we go forth to do things, but the vision is not real in us yet; and God has to take us into the valley, and put us through fires and floods to batter us into shape, until we get to the place where He can trust us with the veritable reality. Ever since we had the vision God has been at work, getting us into shape of the ideal, and over and over again we escape from His hand and try to batter ourselves into our own shape.
      The vision is not a castle in the air, but a vision of what God wants you to be. Let Him put you on His wheel and whirl you as He likes, and as sure as God is God and you are you, you will turn out exactly in accordance with the vision.  Don't lose heart in the process. If you have ever had the vision of God, you my try as you like to be satisfied on a lower level, but God will never let you."  -Oswald Chambers

"I will stand my watch and set myself on the rampart, and watch to see what He will say to me, and I will answer when I am corrected. Then the Lord answered me and said: 'Write the vision and make it plain on tablets, that he may run who reads it. For the vision is for an appointed time; But in the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; Because it will surely come, it will not tarry." 

Habakkuk 2:1-3

confessions of an ex-healthy person

My eyes open and I am greeted with the feeling that I know will help my day start off on a good foot: 

I feel skinny. 

Granted I am lying down and that is when gravity becomes your friend, but still, I feel skinny. As my feet hit the floor my mood is already starting off chipper as I look forward to wearing those skinny jeans and maybe, just maybe a non “I want to hide my tummy” shirt. I make my way to the full length mirror and am tempted to not take a look, afraid my early morning high will be deflated. I take a deep breath, lift my over sized sleep shirt just so, and yes! I cant believe it- my tummy, my Henry (yes it is named) actually looks flatter! There is a God! 

I had to stop myself from actually jumping up and down and letting out a “yipee!” I have been going to the gym, pushing myself a little bit and actually been eating pretty good. Ok, so when I get a bit overwhelmed I give in to that tempting bag of skittles and Diet Coke. But other then that, I have been on track and doing it right. 

       My eye catches the devil in the room. It has been neglected and collecting dust for months in fear of the truth it may behold. I dread the digital red numbers as they just keep going up and up and up and up. I have avoided this horrid invention as of late, but today, I feel as though I can face my dreaded total. I get rid of all what could be excess numbers and take a step on. The math begins and just so I don't give into the cowardliness of what it could be, I close my eyes. Silently I weight for the “beep beep”. Its finished. It has the results of what could be the end of my “skinny”. I open my eyes and my reality is faced.

WHAT THE?!?!?!?!?!?!

Its broken. It HAS to be broken. After all, I haven't used it in months so that means the possibility of a malfunction is high on the list. This cannot be right. 

My skinny is gone. done. depleted.

Ok- so I gave in a few times to the skittles. Maybe even to the mexican food. And the gym had been a little more scarce lately. But this? No. I am not suppose to see that number. I used to be this crazy health nut and had the will power of Jesus to say no to all things sweet and salty. Past few months- not so much. 

My skinny high is gone and I head to my closet, once again longing for winter so I can hide behind hoodies and scarves. I go for my default and grab the leggings that hold in Henry and a blouse top so I don't have to suck in. 

Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much and I could be one of those people who just lets it all hang out anyway. Wears tight tops and could give a flippin snicker bar if they had a roll over their waist. But I’m not that person and more power to you if you are! 

As for today, I will eat my sweet potatoes, drink my water, and munch on my carrots as I start over... again.